Monday, January 28, 2008

New Consulting Business/Legal Defense Fundraiser

The BP has been mired in a string of legal cases that have been brought against him by former employees so he has not had time to devote to blogging. But like Conscientious Camera Club and Rob Haggart, he can spot an opportunity to make a killing when he sees one.

The Bitter Photographer feels like an idiot for missing this. He has spent the last two decades wasting time trying to get people to pay him take pictures. Why spend your time trying to get Art Buyers and photo editors to hire you when you can make a living off a group of people who:

-are desperate and driven by fear

-think that any problem can be solved by throwing money at it and the more money you throw at a problem the better


The answer of course is other photographers. The BP will follow in the footsteps of other such luminaries as: Seth Resnick, Douglas Kirkland, Michael Grecco and Greg Gorman.

For an nominal fee ($650/hour -the same as BP's lawyer charges) clients will cover such topics as;

-How to take a lens cap off properly

-The Web: A Flash in the Pan -Don't waste your time.

-How much to bribe an Art Buyer to hire you

-The best way to hide jobs from your rep so you don't have to pay a commission

-How to answer the phone so it sounds like you have a giant studio and don't in fact live with your mother in law

59 comments:

cafe selavy said...

This is my first time here. You are a funny guy. I like this post. I've tried taking off the lens cap, but things still aren't working out. I'm coming back for further instructions.

Bitter Too said...

How's the weather in San Francisco today?

Anonymous said...

I would like to see a topic covered: How to compete with amateurs who want to be pros and are just as good as the actual pros who hate them and want them to go back to flickr.

I sick and tired of my gap being reduced now that these AMATEURS can cheaply buy the same gear I have! Gear was my buffer zone!! If the worlds wants to base photography on talent alone, well, world, I think you're in trouble. THESE PEOPLE AREN'T PROS!!!

All Wet said...

We need you now more than ever

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Thank God you are back. I was getting tired of ranting to myself in the bathroom mirror every morning about Colberg, Beckman, Powerhouse Books, Conde Nasty, low rates, and douchebags in general.

ms. bitter said...

yay! you're back! i heart bp!

You Shite! said...

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: [narrating] Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

ProPhotographer said...

Glad you're back BP

PP

p.s. how did you know I lived with my mother in law? :)

Anonymous said...

So how about those tips on hiding work from your rep?

I love the bit on the show Extras where the agent finds out the one guy was cleaning gutters on the side and wanted his 20%

David Murray said...

Good to see you back. You have been missed!

Anonymous said...

So real money finds true talent after all? Such wisdom! Hopefully all can learn from your mistake. I wish you luck with your new career.

While your envy was focused on the likes of Seth, Greg, Doug and Michael, did you happen to consider joining Thomas Werner? There must be hundreds of desperate ASMP members willing to pay to learn the biz of fine art photography. Think of all the chapter meetings!

Dumb Snapper said...

Welcome Back BP , how did you know I was thinking of living with my mother in law?

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Please come back, we need you.

SHUTT3R SG said...

Very funny, timely post. Please come back and give us more!

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